How to Have a Successful Money Talk With Your Significant Other
Filed under: Spending
Think managing your own money is tough? Try doing it with a spouse or partner.
Nearly half of those polled (47 percent) in a Chase Blueprint(R) survey think being in a relationship makes it harder to manage money. Only 31 percent think it’s easier to manage finances with a significant other.
Mike and Amanda (their names have been changed) have been married for more than twenty years and consider themselves to be great partners in every aspect of their marriage, except one: Finances. They don’t really talk about money, except in terms of big bills that are coming up, like college tuition.
Mike pays some of those bills, but Amanda does most of the shopping and has primary control over the checkbook – which never gets balanced.
Mike thinks Amanda overspends. Amanda thinks Mike should pay more attention to where the money goes, not just where it comes from. But at the end of the day, they agree on one thing: As Mike puts it, “If there’s money in the account at the end of the month, then we’re okay.”
It’s one thing to like the same restaurants and root for the same sports teams, but finding someone who has compatible money values is tough, but important: 94 percent of those polled in the Chase Blueprint(R) survey say having compatible money values is key to building a solid relationship.
But how will you know what kind of money values your significant other has until you talk about them?
A recent caller to my radio show asked if she should combine finances with her fiancé. She’d worked for years, had saved a substantial sum in her 401(k), built up a rainy day fund, and had no debt. Her fiancé had $70,000 in school loans, $10,000 in credit card debt, no job and lived with his parents. Her credit score was 782 but she hadn’t asked him what his credit score was – she wasn’t sure he even knew.
His plans for their financial future apparently included having her move in with his parents, whom she had met all of four times. She was looking at a more traditional path of getting married first and then finding a home for the two of them.
When I asked if she had had a money talk with her fiancé, she said no. And, that’s a red flag for the lasting nature of this relationship.
Frankly, if you’re talking about marriage but you can’t talk about money, it may be premature to set a date for the big day. That’s because you and your fiancé may not have developed the skills necessary to start and conduct delicate conversations that will likely have some difficult moments.
Having “arguments about money” is by far the top predictor of divorce, said Sonya Britt, assistant professor of family studies and human services and program director of personal financial planning at the University of Kansas. “It’s not children, sex, in-laws or anything else. It’s money — for both men and women.”
While it seems easier to simply avoid the topic of money, you’ll eventually get to a point in your relationship where this issue comes to the forefront. And that’s when anxiety sets in. This unease about having money conversations is why fights about money are the leading cause of divorce, according to Britt’s research, published this summer in the journal Family Relations.)
When should you bring up the subject of money in your relationship? According to the Chase Blueprint(R) survey, 88 percent of respondents say you should have a serious money conversation with your significant other within the first year of dating. (Thirty-four percent say that conversation should happen within the first three months and 30 percent say everyone should put their financial cards on their table on the first date.)
Learning how to talk about money doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be more financially compatible. You may continue to have different spending priorities. But starting a deep and meaningful conversation about your finances will help you figure out whether your significant other is on the same wavelength as you are.
Here are some basic steps you can take to start a conversation about money:
- Begin with the past. Start the conversation by telling stories about how your parents deal with money and the money lessons (good, bad and ugly) they imparted to you. If you frame the conversation as “lessons learned” from the past, it helps your significant other understand more about your money history and why you’ve made certain financial choices and decisions.
- Admit your money mistakes. If you’ve made bad financial decisions in the past, such as taking a higher-interest rate loan because you failed to shop around, try to own those in the conversation. If you and your significant other each own your financial mistakes, and then spend time talking about how you’d help the other make a different (and hopefully smarter) financial decision, you’ll become allies in the search for a joint solid financial future.
- Talk about your individual future financial goals. Creating a vision of your own financial future will allow you to learn about each other’s dreams and passions. That will allow you to then develop joint financial goals and plan how you’ll get there together.
Chase Blueprint(R) is a free set of features on Chase credit cards that helps customers avoid interest and pay down balances faster.
Ilyce Glink is an award-winning author, columnist, radio talk show host, and blogger who specializes in real estate and personal finance. Find her online at .
Sources
- Chase Blueprint(R) Valentine’s Day survey from February 2013: https://www.chase.com/online/chase_blueprint/document/FINAL-Valentines-Day-Press-Release012513.pdf
- Britt, Sonya; “Examining the Relationship Between Financial Issues and Divorce,” Family Relations, an interdisciplinary journal of applied family studies.
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